On my ward, we have deaths. We have dying patients.
While I haven't nursed someone in the final stages of their dying (not sure if that's the right way to word it), I have nursed palliative patients.
One thing that I have learned, is that everyone dies differently. Some people are so peaceful and pain free, and others can be suffering immeasurable amounts of pain and discomfort. My last patient was the latter.
My patient had a complex social history, as well as a family that didn't understand the gravity of the situation. Which is completely understandable. No one wants to give the final order to let their loved one die. Finally (after 2 re-admissions and months on our ward) this patient was formally made palliative.
Unfortunately, my patient hadn't been prescribed a syringe driver. (A syringe driver is a continuous infusion of medication to ensure comfort to a patient). I was trying to assist in as many ways as possible, as to manage the pain. However it wasn't working as well as I would have liked. After numerous doctors reviews*, we finally had a better medication plan. Toward the end of my shift my patient had become more settled.
It wasn't until the end of the night that I realised how incredibly drained I was feeling. Both physically and emotionally. I felt this way because I knew there was nothing more I could do for them or the family. I had exhausted every option available to me at the time. And it wasn't enough. That notion along rocked me. It is in my nature to want to help people. When that is not attainable, you feel helpless, hopeless, and you begin to question yourself.
I was fortunate enough to have a few days off after this. During that time I thought about what I did and I know that I tried every possible avenue to make this man comfortable.
Upon my return to the ward, I found out that he had received a syringe driver the next day, and passed away the day after that. I take comfort in knowing that he passed away without any pain, and that it was a relatively short process.
I know that somethings that I say may sound harsh. But when you have watched someone 'linger' and suffer, it's not a nice experience for all those involved.
Death is an inevitable part of life. Suffering should not be prolonged.
* Please note that is is not a regular occurrence. It was after hours and the covering doctors were tied up with emergencies on other wards.
